Do you ever get that feeling when you look at the people around you, and wonder what the fuck they want from life? What do they see in this existence that I don't? What do I see in this existence that they don't? Then you ask yourself, what do I want to be? What can I be? I read some Dr. Phil-esque self-help book the other day, Its Not How Good You Are, It's How Good You Want To Be, and I just thought to myself...does trying hard always mean you reach your goals? Society teaches you that when you lose things in life, you're supposed to get your shit together and bounce back up. At times you feel like yeah, I can do that...and others, you just feel like you can't bounce back...but you 'need' to, because you exist in this world for a greater good...supposedly. I must admit though...I want to give up a lot of the time, but there's still something that I've been programmed to do - fear failure, and at the end of the day, it manages to keep me going. I just wished that I was like some people, the ones who have nothing, want nothing, and are free to be.
Anyways...back to the title of the post. I was pondering over these two isms today, and I couldn't really distinguish myself as either one. Do I aim high and not reach? Or do I aim average and reach it? Do I prefer being good, or just reasonable? When am I optimistic, when am I pessimistic? Is it better to realise that "only from destruction can we be resurrected"? So, idealism, for you philistines out there, is basically to aim for perfection, and envisioning your actions in an ideal way. I personally think its great...but it defeats the fact that imperfections is what makes us difference, and is something that separates each individual. We make mistakes as humans, that's what we do. I realise that when I act in an idealist way, my dreams often get fucked over, and my attempts often end in failure, or less than I had hoped to achieve.
Realism, however...is pretty romantic. It's living pragmatically...seeing the truth in its most pure and literal form. To accept life the way it is, and favour the practicalities that come with it. But as good as this sounds...I must admit, the realist me seems to lament at the fact that I'm cutting short on the potential on humanity by aiming for mediocrity. Just because I'm not perfect, doesn't mean that I shouldn't try, or that I'm not capable of reaching excellence every so often.
Many times over my life, I've felt fucking fucked. My greatest apologies for the use of profanity, it's been a grim day. Still doesn't stop me. Anyways...back to getting fucked over and over again. It seems like when I reach for the stars, I fall short and feel like all I've managed to get to is the little bit of mist lingering by the trees. I feel perhaps lost in my dreams...I forget the real world around me, and I create this imaginary bubble around me where I feel like I'm invincible...an out-of-touch aura one might say. But you know what? I don't want to fucking be grounded to reality, or follow "hope for the best prepare for the worst". Which fucker came up with that anyways? I don't want to aim lower than what I think I can reach...my whole life I've been craving for assurance, and I feel like I've really missed out on the true enjoyment of where life is - that everything lies in mystery, and there's only so much you can be sure of.
Justice vs grace. The final showdown. Who wins? We all have the potential to be good. Why aren't we? Why are there those who will never change? What is the correct solution?
My take? You'll never really know the answer until all the little fragments of your scrappy life come together...and maybe they never even will. But until then, look around you. Everything that surrounds our daily lives is a fuel for inspiration, driving us to find an answer, because the way I see it, the day the world ends is the day we find a solution (makes doomsday a little more interesting doesn't it?). The day when everything finally comes together and adheres, and poof, the world goes back to the way it was before existence...and perhaps the cycle begins again. Maybe I'll be like Kerouac some day...go to bed obscure, wake up famous. Who's to say? I know though, I'm going to take my time, pull all the pieces together, and hopefully I'll be able to see the world a little differently, a little better...after all, walking on water wasn't built in a day.
When you have the love for something...maybe life itself, eventually you'll succeed. Find your passion, make it your life, persevere, and success is there. Like the great Kerouac said..."anybody can make Paris holy, but I can make Topeka holy." Can you?
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